You will be a high achiever
who knows everyone else is not.
You will be the kind of person who leads
by accepting a new company Audi
on a morning you announce redundancies.
You should have wide experience
in eating previously healthy organisations
from within. In terms of qualifications
you will hold a grade A in Asset Stripping
You will have the skills necessary to tie
in knots of regulations anyone who needs
tying up. Deep down, you will believe
people rather like it. Leadership is bondage.
Remember, it’s all about those acronyms:
BDSM – Bondage, Domination, Sado-
You will enjoy making jokes about bondage
to your personal assistant, as well as
relevant sexist or racist or ageist
(delete as appropriate) comments
and will be an expert at clarifying afterwards
that any offence was the employee’s fault
for not having a sense of humour.
After all, tone is everything for a leader
when faced with a tribunal.
You will like suits, football and golf
and you will have a family incarcerated
in a frame on your desk.
You will be happy to make difficult decisions
while dressing them up in frilly tutus.
Your cross-dressing decisions will curtsey,
pirouette, grand jeté, plié faster and faster
until all the mesmerised audience can do
is gasp and applaud and then file
out of the auditorium in an orderly fashion,
switching the lights off as they go.
Jonathan Taylor is an author, lecturer and critic. His books include the novel Melissa (Salt, 2015), the memoir Take Me Home: Parkinson’s, My Father, Myself (Granta, 2007), and the poetry collectionMusicolepsy (Shoestring, 2013). His website is www.jonathanptaylor.co.uk.