Dear Bake Off,
I do hope you can help me?
I’m sure you’re very busy
with the move to Channel 4
but I want a certain recipe.
It’s not your Brangelina Split
– I know it’s very popular
for the tranquillising effect
but I hate the sickly aftertaste.
I want that cake that’s baked and baked
till it’s burnt to a smoking crumble,
then divided between contestants
and smashed up like an Eton Mess.
Was it called the Aleppo?
Your help would be appreciated
and I’m sorry to hear about you
losing your best presenters.
It must feel like losing an arm.
Or a child.