Letter to the Great British Bake Off by Marc Woodward

..

Dear Bake Off,

..

I do hope you can help me?

I’m sure you’re very busy

with the move to Channel 4

but I want a certain recipe.

..

It’s not your Brangelina Split

– I know it’s very popular

for the tranquillising effect

but I hate the sickly aftertaste.

..

No,

I want that cake that’s baked and baked

till it’s burnt to a smoking crumble,

then divided between contestants

and smashed up like an Eton Mess.

..

Was it called the Aleppo?

..

Your help would be appreciated

and I’m sorry to hear about you

losing your best presenters.

It must feel like losing an arm.

Or a child.

..