The Golden Handshake by Liùsaidh

Now the deficit is rising,

the workers face the chop.

There’s nastiness at the bottom,

and evil at the top.

The City’s losing money,

but we cannot plug the leak,

The auditors are riding in

even as we speak.

..

For the Chief put his golfing cronies

in positions of authority—

It’s clear to all and sundry

he’s a walking liability.

He’s got cocaine in the toilets,

in case he needs a snort,

and he’s got the public lawyers

to keep him out of court.

..

We’ll give him his golden handshake

before the break of day,

A golden handshake,

and send him on his way!

He’s not a public servant,

he’s just a party toy,

let’s give a golden handshake

to our golden boy.

..

Now if you’re into funny handshakes

we’ve got the job for you,

you can be a magistrate

to uphold what’s just and true.

When the police raided a sauna

in Hamilton’s dirty old town,

they caught the honourable sherriff

with his trousers down.

..

So he got some public lawyers,

to say he wasn’t a dirty ol’ knave.

At our expense, his own defense,

was “I just went in for a shave.”

The story has a happy ending,

(it’s plain for all to see,)

for he’s now in a private law firm

on a fat consultant’s fee.

..

Yeah we gave him his golden handshake,

before the break of day.

A golden handshake,

and set him on his way.

He used to lock up prostitutes,

when he was a judge,

but he got his happy handshake,

and then he got the nudge.

..

Now if you’re a corrupt official,

you’ve got nothing to fear.

If you do wrong we’ll keep you on,

month on month and year on year!

Yet if by chance you do get caught,

and your job we must divest,

We’ll give you a little something,

so that you can invest.

..

So you can play with the taxpayer’s credit card,

stay in the honeymoon suite,

Take your fact-finding missions,

with a little Caribbean beat.

And when we shout and kick you out,

please don’t be sad or blue,

we’ll make sure your replacement,

is somebody just like you.

..

Then well give him his golden handshake,

before the break of day.

A golden handshake,

and send him on his way.

He’s not a public servant,

he’s just a party toy,

let’s give a golden handshake

to our golden boy.

..

Liùsaidh (LJ McDowall) is a poet, lyricist, and author from the south of Scotland. Prior to sliding to the bottom of society, she worked the law. Her work has recently appeared in the World Haiku Review, Poets & War, The Ghazal Page, Eastern Structures, The Honeydue Erotic Review, Thank You For Swallowing, Trigger Warnings and The Rat’s Ass Review. She uses dark humour and mythic narratives to explore contemporary themes of sexuality, gender, politics and religion. As LJ McDowall she writes speculative fiction and edits dubious poetry at The Quarterday Review. Look for her online on Facebook @ljmcdowallwrites, Twitter @ljmcdowall, and on her website: www.ljmcdowall.com The Golden Handshake and other lyrics and poems is available in her chapbook Filthy Dirty Hymns, forthcoming in October 2016.

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