I’d truly be in bits by Paige Collins

I’m in another world now, suitcase of memories by my side
Locked away and ready to dispose
These fears, i can no longer hide

The first day of primary i remember so clearly, what it felt like to be unsatisfied
The girls the boys they laughed away
Whilst in the corner of the playground, i cried

I’ve always tried to be myself, to love and stay audacious
Yet i still remember everything
Despite the old times being cretaceous

They sent me off to Wellington to potentially change my ways
Believe it or not, i was just the same

I still had attitude but with passion so pure
And wouldn’t let anyone know my name

I played violin and pretended to love hockey
But at lunch i wrote stories
Who on earth wants to be a jockey?
A school of fucking tories

These girls around me were full of shit, falseness and pretentiousness
Yet i knew myself i was full of whit and in touch with my consciousness

Leaving that school taught me a few lessons
Money doesn’t matter
After a million secret OT sessions
I discovered my own patter

My own patter being my writing
Which was inspired purely by growing
I didn’t believe in hate or fighting
Gran said i was gifted without knowing

Anyway i’ve had some dark days, days i felt it was over
From cocaine and speed to legal highs, an experienced self loather
I can’t do the ins the outs and the stories in detail
As i’ve almost filtered them away
I’m still quite useless but will prevail
And today’s the day i’ll say

All those years of social services, overdoses and cries for help
Began to feel like normality, a way of life
Yet every night, my little self whelped

It’s been a hell of a ride, a tough time indeed
Got my heart broken too, my ex did succeed
I will not cry tonight, i shall simply read
Verses from my poems, for those in absolute need

From waking up on a Sunday morning with a feeling of self worthlessness
Broken bottles, fag doubts and an empty gram bag
I’m sure we know the extent of a bad way this is

I read the papers tonight that the social work sent me through
In an absolute state i ripped them up, fuck you all, fuck you!
But the day came when Lynn said she knew that i was someone new
And she no longer had to help me, but what she said was true

I wish her truly the best of luck, working with someone else
I take back what i said Lynn
You don’t belong on a dusty shelf

The stabilisers are off my bike, and now i’m flying down the hill
There’s absolutely nothing around me
But faith, strength and good will

Hell of a ride would be an understatement
And i’m only 17 years in
I guess we can call this life experience
And now i know, there’s no evil within

Just curiosity not monstrosity
The desire to learn from this
If i could measure the velocity
The generosity
I’d truly be in bits

..

Paige Collins is 17 and has just started to write seriously about her experiences. She wrote this poem after parting ways with Social Services.

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