HOW TO MAKE A PSYCHOPATH A CUP OF TEA by Sara Dennis

(In 10 easy steps!)

  1. Fill the kettle with water in preparation.
  2. The second you hear the psychopath’s feet hit the bedroom floor, switch on the kettle.
  3. Place teabag in cup: DO NOT ADD SUGAR OR MILK AT THIS POINT.
  4. Silently will the kettle to boil faster.
  5. Put the spoon, sugar bowl and milk carton beside the cup.                                               REMEMBER: you will have to act fast!
  6. Take deep breaths to ease your panic as you hear him cough, piss then start his decent down the staircase.
  7. As soon as the kettle clicks, pour boiling water onto the teabag, add two heaped teaspoons of sugar and a splash of milk.
    REMEMBER: he must have his tea very strong or there will be repercussions.
    TIP: Steady your hand as you pour the milk so as not to add too much.
  8. Stir quickly so the sugar dissolves as rapidly as possible. Ensure the spoon is removed from the cup before the psychopath enters the kitchen.
  9. Stand aside as psychopath takes a sip then throws the full cup into the sink as it is too hot/too cold/not sweet enough or in the wrong cup. REMEMBER: Do NOT attempt to clean up the broken crockery at this point.  This must be done later.  Wrap it in newspaper, preferably before he has chance to see it and dispose of it safely.
  10. Take another deep breath and a clean cup from the cupboard, rinse and repeat steps 1 – 10.

    Sara Dennis is a writer and musician from Guisborough, North Yorkshire, UK.  Her poetry and prose have been published in various literary magazines and her book, ‘Stories from the Memory Lane Café’, was published in 2017.  Sara has released three albums of original contemporary folk music and performs regularly around the UK.  Her work is infused with, fairy-tale imagery, magic realism, literature and historical inspiration. Sara is currently studying for an MA in Creative Writing.

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